Lonely love

This is hard, probably the hardest entry I will ever have to write but here goes.

We turned 3 years old about 3 weeks ago. Prior before our third anniversary, my partner and I had a minor fight that pretty much escalated into a one week cold war/silent treatment. I have pretty much gotten used to this kind of life and I wasn't bothered as much as before in the previous years when we first started out. Things began to look better a few days before we turned 3 years. You could say I thought that things were beginning to look better. We made it to 3 years and to me, it is a big feat. My previous relationships have never crossed the 1 year mark. Maybe it is my fault that I am prissy, overbearing, bipolar and nice yet psycho. Or, the love was just not meant to be.

Things obviously didn't look great at all. A few days after we turned 3, we got yet into another one of the big fights. For the life of me, I can barely remember what it was all about but I reckon it was one of those time where my partner felt that I was being all possessive and had my life circled entirely around her (which is not the truth and highly impossible due to the fact that I am in Brisbane while she is back home in Singapore). Before we fought, I remembered asking her if she wanted to break up which she then responded, it wasn't about breaking up - it was about not trying so hard to be together. I was hurt because it didn't require much effort at all for us to maintain what we have now and if talking to each other every night for about 30 minutes or so entails as hard work or trying too hard then I honestly, do not know what to say. It is very hard for me to bring up the thought of breaking up because that is one thing I do not want to do. I never want to give up on the love we had.

Perhaps, I would have seen all these coming. We went through another week or actually close to two weeks of silent treatment. There were no texts nor calls exchanged between us. I changed my handphone wallpaper to something else because I wanted to take my mind off her. The horrible thing was that I spent my entire mid semester break crying, trying to break my sorrows and unfortunately, failing miserably that I hardly got much of my work done. I decided to catch up on my Kdramas and once in awhile went out to meet friends including Lav and El who came down to Brisbane. For 6 nights, I spent them on the floor crying my heart out. My head was in a mess - are we now over or are we still together? Why can't we just make it through till the end just like any other couple could? Am I asking for too much in this relationship? How much space do one essentially need? Are we really over? That one week for pure misery, detrimental to my health - mentally, emotionally and physically. In the words of Mel, 'shit have hit the fan'. Our relationship have obviously hit the fan. She said that it sounded like this is the first break up I am going through. Maybe she is right, maybe this is the first break up that I invested my entire heart, emotions, dreams into a relationship that I so hoping it would last.

Last Saturday, after she came back from her vacation, we finally spoke but it ended up again in another row. I was being all cold because I refused to be reminded of the fact that our conversations are being cut short and we do not need to talk on a daily basis because that was what she wanted. Today, we finally spoke and all hell broke loose. It didn't help that while I was having my late lunch at Boom Boom, Tasha's Lonely Love was playing. I have not stopped listening to it because it kept playing in my head. Right now, as much as I want to call it quits, my heart is telling me not to because just because I have been going through pain for the last few months, is it really worth it to give up the love? Plus, even if I wanted to do it, circumstances do not allow me to.

I told you, my love, she is like the sea. When she comes close enough for me to touch, she runs back to the great ocean and I am just left at the beach waiting for her to come back.

두 손을 내밀어
그댈 잡고 싶지만
더 멀어질 것 같아
그대 곁을 맴돌죠

사랑할 수 없어도 돼
닿을 수도 없어도 돼
Lonely love Yes I love you
난 멀리서도
그댈 볼 수가 있어요

The sea

My love, she is like the sea. She is beautiful. Her spirit is free and wild. Her voice is ridiculously soothing to my ears even if she was screaming for my attention. When she comes to me, she dances freely without a care in the world. My love, she is amazing. Whenever she gets nearer, I get excited. But when she gets close enough for me to hold and touch her, she rushes back to the start. She runs back to where she came from. But, that is how she keeps me coming back for more. Because I know, like the sea, I will always stay behind and wait for her to return so that I can feel her again.

Beginning at the end.

F Scott Fitzgerald aptly describes my love. My love, it at the start at end of everything. It is the first and the last of my daily thoughts and if life permits, the start of my breath when I saw her the first time till I breathe my last at my death bed. It has been a week since we last had a proper conversation all because of a fuss that I kicked up over not spending time together as much as I would like to. With me being miles away from home, our spending time together has shortened tremendously, leaving only sometimes daily video calls to ask about each others' day. And then there are those days where each of us have our own (boring) lives to lead and we would be so knackered by the end of the day, we barely have any energy to speak. But as of late, my love, she puts a timer to our conversation. It irked me tremendously. 10 minutes of speaking time was all that I got. Out of 24 hours, I only got 10 or if I am lucky 20 minutes and last Friday, I got 1 hour but that ended on a bad note which left us at our current state. 

As I mull over this over the week, I often wonder if it was wrong of me to have a little bit more time with her. Is it really that bad or are our conversations or the time with me really that bad that it had to be timed to a mere 10 minutes? Is it wrong of me to request for a little bit of us time? I feel guilty and I feel so wronged at the same time. I feel guilty for asking more yet I feel wronged when people thinks I am just being clingy. I have nothing to cling here in Brisbane everybody. I am alone, an island of my own especially when it comes to love. I am not being sticky, I am just being affectionate and in love with the love of my life. I just want more time with her. That's all.

Walked home from Hawken earlier this evening and my eyes gazed at the full moon shining so bright. Whenever we used to fight, all will be well by the time it is full moon. However, sadly, not this time. I still get the cold reply you used to give when you are pissed. Maybe you are right to be pissed for expecting a lot from you and saying I am not expecting much but show the look of disappointment and unhappiness when I am not getting what I want. 

This is crazy. I miss you and I don't know what to do. I reached out to you but all I get is a cold reply. Is it karma for expecting from you? I guess it is.